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A Message from John Cleese

·1207 words·6 mins

Britain is Repossessing the U.S.A.

     A Message from John Cleese

To the citizens of the United States of America:

In light of your failure to nominate competent candidates for

President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give

notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical

duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except

Kansas, which she does not fancy).

Your new prime minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a governor for

America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.

A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any

of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the

following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

You should look up “revocation” in the Oxford English Dictionary.

  1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You

will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

  1. The letter ‘U’ will be reinstated in words such as ‘favour’ and

’neighbour.’ Likewise, you will learn to spell ‘doughnut’ without

skipping half the letters, and the suffix -ize will be replaced by

the suffix -ise.

Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to

acceptable levels. (look u p ‘vocabulary’).

  1. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises

such as “like” and “you know” is an unacceptable and inefficient

form of communication.

There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on

your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take

account of the reinstated letter ‘u’ and the elimination of -ize.

You will relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen.

  1. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

  2. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns,

lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and

therapists shows that you’re not adult enough to be independent.

Guns should only be handled by adults. If you’re not adult enough to

sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist

then you’re not grown up enough to handle a gun.

  1. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything

more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if

you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

  1. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is

for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand

what we mean.

  1. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will

start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time,

you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of

conversion tables.

Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the

British sense of humour.

  1. The Former USA will a dopt UK prices on petrol (which you have

been calling gasoline)-roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.

  1. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French

fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling

potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut,

fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

  1. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not

actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be

referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted

provenance will be referred to as Lager.

Australian beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound the

greatest sporting Nation on earth and it can only be due to the

beer. They are also part of British Commonwealth - see what it did

&nb sp; for them.

  1. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors

as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors

to play English characters.

Watching Andie McDowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings

and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one’s ears removed

with a cheese grater.

  1. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind

of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough

will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities

to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every

twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of

nancies). Don’t try Rugby - the Australians and Kiwis will thrash

you, like they regularly thrash us.

  1. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to

host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played

outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a

world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will

learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to

take the sting out of their deliveries.

  1. You must tell us who killed JFK. It’s been driving us mad.

  2. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her

Majesty’s Government will be with you shortly to ensure the

acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

  1. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, never

mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; strawberries

in season.

God save the Queen.

Only He can.

—John Cleese

:twisted:

Lol

I love 13 and 16.

thank you.. that was fantastic!

I’m pretty sure we kicked Britain’s collective arse to become independent Mr. Clease!

Karna

[img:uwap95ye]http://yasik.kiev.ua/4chan/Leonidas_Combo.gif[/img:uwap95ye]

Dear Yasik:

  Oh, remember that time at Olympus, the tour guide at the Hall of  Retards?

  Yeah, Yeah, what did he say?

  Welcome, to the hall.. of Retards.

Yasik, it is long since due but my friend… welcome to the Hall of Retards

With honor.

Luv, Gumbo

(apologies to Bill, and Ted, and Rufus and to any phonebooths who’ve been insulted by being lumped in with this little piece of garbage just by sheer name affiliation)

I would like to note that any copyright infringements from this post can be directed to numbnuts below Yasik2 who’s obviously put the face of a character from a movie onto a little stupid cartoon of his

:lol: Sorry, I found it absolutely necessary to move the first and second posts of Gumbi on the crier to the top. Hilarity ensues…. And I am still sorry I didn’t tell more immorts what I thought of them earlier.

p/s/ It might not be the first posts, I think I had posted that link to the backwards “Take me out to the ballgame” before this one….

There’s a practice dummy in monks guild used for kicking and attacking. Let’s rename it PolkAdotS 8)

Would need to update this list from John Cleese. I would say we are well on our way to taking care of #9.

[quote:3hw4oju9]Would need to update this list from John Cleese. I would say we are well on our way to taking care of #9.[/quote:3hw4oju9]

Although now, petrol prices here are almost $10… with diesel costing more. :!:

thats hilarious

wtf, i dont remember posting in this thread :shock:

I’ll be back from the toilet when I realize how much metric vomitous mass I released after having seen Juggleblood’s birthday wishes. Post a random @sshole’s picture.